Thinking of suicide ?

You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~again and again, but you don’t kn ow where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody.

It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.

No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right?

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school.
The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.

It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad daysSometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life.

Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable.

If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. I’m here for you whenever you need me, and I’ll be more than happy to listen to you and try to help you feel better. There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbors, adults, councilors ~ they’re all there for you whenever you need them.

I hope this changed anyone's life.

Men’s guide to safe sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

Warning Sick Adult Joke

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say “I still live

with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say

“lettuce” and if you want to go faster say “tomatoes”

So they were getting it on and she was screaming “lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes”

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

“Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me”!

Should Stop Giving Herself A Good Dressing Down

(Being a big military town, it is fairly common to have women come into our bridal store to shop for military events like the yearly ball. A customer comes in with her husband.)

Customer: “I just had a baby and my body hasn’t quite bounced back yet.”

Husband: *rolls eyes* “Hun, you look great. Really. Please stop saying that.”

Customer: *ignoring husband* “But it is the annual ball, so I need to look nice. I was thinking of something in black, since black is slimming, but I’m not sure of my size at this point because of the baby.”

Me: “I would be happy to measure you but you look to be about a size 10. What did you have in mind for style?”

Customer: “Probably something very simple.”

(The customer walks through the non-bridal section with me to look over the styles and proceeds to pick every dress with NO shape she finds.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to try on something with a little more shape to it? You have a better figure than you let on.”

Husband: “Yes. PLEASE!”

Customer: “No. These are fine. I mean, I really need to work out and flatten this pooch down.” *grabs stomach*

(The customer has literally grimaced at everything she has tried on, not liking anything. Her husband has tried desperately to explain how beautiful she is, while fidgeting in an armchair next to the fitting area.)

Me: *sigh* “Okay. Let me see what else we have.”

Customer: “Thanks. I know there’s only so much you can do.”

Me: *coming up with a plan* “Oh! We just got this dress in a couple days ago and I haven’t gotten to see it on anyone. Would you mind so much just trying it on and humoring me?”

(The dress is a mermaid cut halter dress, VERY Marilyn Monroe but floor length. Perfect for a woman with real curves.)

Customer: “Ooh, um, sure.”

(The customer smiles awkwardly, clearly not wanting to be rude and say ‘no.’ As she goes into the fitting room I look at her husband, wink, and smile. The customer walks out of the fitting room looking drop-dead 50s-goddess gorgeous.)

Customer: “I don’t kn—”

Husband: *knocks over chair jumping up* “THIS ONE! WE’LL TAKE THIS ONE!” *under his breath* “…and after the ball we can make a sibling for the baby.”

Two men applied for the same job

Two men applied for the same position. They had the same qualifications.

 In order to determine which to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test.

Both men missed only one of the questions. The manager said to the first applicant,

 “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“But why? We both answered 9 out of the 10 questions correctly,”

 said the rejected applicant.

“We based our decision not on the correct answers,

 but on the question you missed,” said the manager.

 “Your fellow applicant put down for #5,

‘I don’t know the answer.’

 You put down, ‘Neither do I.’

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him

 how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”

“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.

“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me.

 So I measured it!” replied the carpenter.

Live and Work

Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children. He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job. Except for Sundays, Father hardly ate a meal together with his family. He worked and studied very hard because he wanted to provide his family with the best money could buy.

Whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them. But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.

The day came when the examination results were announced. To his joy, Father passed, and with distinctions too! Soon after, he was offered a good job as a senior supervisor which paid handsomely.

Like a dream come true, Father could now afford to provide his family with life’s little luxuries like nice clothing, fine food and vacation abroad.

However, the family still did not get to see father for most of the week. He continued to work very hard, hoping to be promoted to the position of manager. In fact, to make himself a worthily candidate for the promotion, he enrolled for another course in the open university.

Again, whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them. But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.

Father’s hard work paid off and he was promoted. Jubilantly, he decided to hire a maid to relieve his wife from her domestic tasks. He also felt that their three-room flat was no longer big enough, it would be nice for his family to be able to enjoy the facilities and comfort of a condominium. Having experienced the rewards of his hard work many times before, Father resolved to further his studies and work at being promoted again. The family still did not get to see much of him. In fact, sometimes Father had to work on Sundays entertaining clients. Again, whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them. But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.

As expected, Father’s hard work paid off again and he bought a beautiful condominium overlooking the coast of Singapore. On the first Sunday evening at their new home, Father declared to his family that he decided not to take anymore courses or pursue any more promotions. From then on he was going to devote more time to his family.

Father did not wake up the next day.

Warning Signs On Alcohol Bottles

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

A lawyer married a woman with 10 ex husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

The plane is too heavy

There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.

While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn’t get any weight off of it it was going to crash.

So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn’t enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn’t enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?”

 the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful,”

 says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?” “It’s very uncomfortable at first,”

 says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.

But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off,

as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?” “I had a heart attack,”

says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day

 I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone,

 knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up

 to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic,

 and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

 “What do you mean?” asks the first man. “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,

 we’d both still be alive.”

Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!”

Funniest but hardest quiz in the world

Ask someone these questions if they think there smart!

Question: there’s 500 bricks on a plane, drop 10 outside. how many bricks are left?

Answer: 490

Question: What are the 3 steps for putting an elephant in a fridge?

Answer: 1: open the fridge 2: put elephant in. 3: close fridge.

Question: What are the 4 steps for putting a deer in the fridge?

Answer: 1: open fridge. 2: take elephant out. 3: put deer in. 4: close fridge.

Question: Its the lion kings birthday, all the animals are there exept one, which one?

Answer: the deer, because it’s still in the fridge.

Question: How can an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?

Answer: she just crossed it normally, the crocodiles are at the lion kings birthday.

Question: In the end the old lady still died, how?

Answer: She died because she got hit by the 10 bricks..

If anyone can answer all those questions they are a genius haha

Pregnant woman falls into a deep coma

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about,her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh No! Not my brother! He’s an idiot. What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: That’s not so bad. And the boy?

Doctor: Denephew

Dedicated to all the Girls.

This is for the girls who have the tendency to stay up all night listening to music that reminds them of their current situation..!!

Who hide their fears, hurt,pain and tears under their smiles and laughs all on a daily basis..!!

The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeve..!!

The girls who pray things will workout just once and they’ll be satisfied..!!

The girls who scream and cry into their pillows because the rest of the world fails to listen..!!

The girls who have it hard but don’t let anyone know that..!!

The girls who may never have it easy..!!

The girls who have so many secrets but will never tell a soul..!!

The girls who have regrets and mistakes as a daily moral..!!

The girls who don’t always win, who may never win..!!

The girls who stay up all night thinking about that one boy wondering if he’ll ever notice her..!!

The girls who get what they get and don’t throw a fit..!!

The girls who take life as it comes, hoping it’ll get easier somewhere down the road..!!

The girls who love with all their hearts but always get broken..!!

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind
replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you
fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls,
want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone
else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know
WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO!

Share it without fail and let know others .

Top 10 of the funniest one liners

I would slap you but shit splatters

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Top 15 blonde inventions

1. The water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat in a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

11. Chocolate kettle

12. Lead life jacket

13. Fire resistent fire wood

14. Left handed screwdriver

15. Cardboard fire gaurd 

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .'

The origin of this letter is unknown, but please pass it on.

Share it with friends and tag them so the cycle continues ... Do not keep this letter ... You could change a life too ...

Paddys wife gave birth to triplets

   Paddys wife gave birth to triplets.

  ”How in Gods name did that happen?”

   says Paddy. His wife replies

 , ”Remember that night I was very dry

  and we had no vaseline, so you used 3 in 1 oil?”

   ”Bejaysus,” says Paddy,

  “I’m fuckin glad I didn’t use WD4O!!”

Ten Good Reasons to go to Church

Why on earth would you, a busy person, want to sacrifice what little R&R time you have to attend public worship regularly? In the final analysis, those who attend public worship regularly do so because they believe they are gaining much more than they are giving up. The benefits of attending far outweigh any deficits (real or imagined). If you have never attended a Christian congregation regularly or have fallen into a habit of not doing so, and especially if you don’t feel ready or motivated to go, I invite you to read the following “Ten Good Reasons to go to Church.”

1. To have fellowship with the crucified and risen Christ

If you knew that Jesus Himself was going to be at a particular place on a regular basis, would you not be motivated to go? The local Christian congregation is that place. Christians gather publicly to be with their risen Savior. When they worship, the Lord Himself is present!

Though it is true that Christ is always with individual believers, He is present in a unique and special way where Christians gather around the Word. He promised to be where Christians gather: “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20) and “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). Both of these statements are spoken to Christians in the plural, to the believing community. Further, Scripture calls Christians assembled together, “the body of Christ.” In other words, the answer to the question, “Where can I find Jesus today?” is “Where Christians gather ” for they are His body.

Specifically, Jesus comes among His people through the preached Word and the Sacraments. What Jesus said to the disciples applies to every sermon which proclaims His Word truly: “He who listens to you listens to me; he who rejects you rejects me; but he who rejects me rejects him who sent me” (Luke 10:16). We hear the preacher, but it is Christ speaking through Him. The Lord also comes among us through the holy Supper. If it is true that the Lord’s Supper is the crucified and risen Christ’s body and blood, then this has awesome ramifications. It means that as the people of God receive this meal, they are entering into intimate fellowship with Christ Himself. The Lord’s Supper is called “communion” (Greek koinonia) because there the people of God have intimate communion with Jesus and with one another (1 Corinthians 10:16-17). After communing, with Simeon we say, “Lord, lettest now Thy servant depart in peace, for mine eyes have seen Thy salvation” (Luke 20:29-30).

2. To be forgiven

Why come to church? Because the Lord Jesus is there. And He is there primarily to give forgiveness to all who repent and believe. Proclaiming the full forgiveness that Jesus won for us on the cross is the main point of all Christian worship services. This is the amazing thing about our God. He comes among His people not primarily to receive but to give. To give the precious forgiveness of sins. He does this through the preaching of the Gospel, holy Absolution, and the Lord’s Supper. What a joy it is to weary souls who have been struggling with their sin all week to hear and receive God’s pardon given through Word and Sacrament.

3. To hear the voice of God

Never before have people been confronted with so many voices. Never before have people been confronted with so many choices. Life can be confusing and at times overwhelming as we try to sift through and sort out right from wrong, truth from error. All the more reason to go to church regularly. For there the voice of God Himself speaks to us through sermon, Scripture, liturgy, and hymnody. God speaks to His people as a whole and He speaks to them individually, guiding them into truth, reminding them of what is right, warning them about what is wrong. His is a voice of strength and comfort, a voice of healing and binding up. His is a voice of sanity amidst the insanity. His is a voice that tells the truth when so many other voices cannot be trusted. How sad when believers pray for guidance but fail to show up at the place that God has chosen to give that guidance.

4. To grow in the knowledge of the Bible, God’s Word

This reason is related to the previous one but is not redundant. Here I am responding to a common excuse: “I don’t need to go to church to hear the Word; I can read the Bible on my own.” On the one hand, private study of God’s Word is wonderful. Would that all believers had a daily diet of God’s Word! But private study of Scripture must not be a substitute for hearing the preached Word.

Why not? There are two reasons, the first theological, the second practical. Because the Pastor, who holds the divinely appointed preaching office, is, by God’s will, the chief teacher of God’s Word, the one through whom Christ Himself speaks (see Luke 10:16; Ephesians 4:11-16; 1 Timothy 4:13-16; 2 Timothy 4:1-5; Hebrews 13:17). The Pastor has been blessed with a gift of teaching. Furthermore, he has gone through extensive schooling and study so as to become an “specialist” in God’s Word (though he also is always growing and learning). He has learned Biblical Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. He has spent many years in prayer and study learning God’s Word. Why not benefit from his area of expertise?

I find it ironic that though we are willing to acknowledge and turn to self-proclaimed experts in every branch of human knowledge, we do not see the need for an expert in the Word of God. In other words, in so many areas of knowledge we freely admit that we lack the expertise to form judgments and we seek out the experts to help us. We turn to doctors for our health, CPAs for our taxes, auto mechanics for our vehicles, psychologists for our problems, etc. However, when it comes to the Word of God, some apparently know it all. Yes, every Christian can and should read the Bible. Yes, the people of God are to judge the teaching of the Pastor. I am not promoting clergy tyranny. I am warning against lay anarchy.

5. To feed your soul

Feed the soul? Does the soul need nourishment? According to Scripture, yes. There we are reminded that “man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 8:3; Matthew 4:4). There we are encouraged, “like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation” (1 Peter 2:2). God’s Word is food for the soul. Public worship is the best place to give your soul the Word-of-God-nourishment it needs. In another place Jesus says, “Do not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you” (John 6:27). How tragic to see people zealously provide for their bodies but not their souls.

6. To be loved and encouraged

Why go to church regularly? To be loved and encouraged. We all have troubles. We all face dilemmas and disappointments. We all wrestle with discouragement and heartache. Life can be cruel in a fallen world. What God said of Adam applies to us all: “It is not good for man to be alone.” Why bear your burdens alone? Coming to church means interacting with your fellow Christians, the body of Christ. It means receiving an encouraging word, a hug and a smile. It means having someone listen. More profoundly, it is often through His body that Christ speaks the comfort and crucial direction that we need. How often a timely word of Gospel spoken by one Christian to another dispels the gloom! How often one Christian will have a spiritual insight that benefits another. Come to church to be loved and encouraged.

7. To be prayed for

Jesus once promised, “if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 18:19). There is power when the people of God pray. But for those unfortunate souls who have cut themselves off from regular attendance at the Christian assembly, their needs are unknown, and they pray alone. An often overlooked reason to come to church is to be prayed for.

8. To love and encourage your fellow Christians

At the heart of the Christian ethic is the obligation to love our neighbor as ourselves. Jesus sharpens this in John 13 when He says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35). The apostle Paul echoes this when he writes, “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and “So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith” (Galatians 6:10).

Failing to attend public worship regularly not only transgresses the Third Commandment (“Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy”). It is also transgresses the law of Christ, to love one’s fellow Christians and to bear their burdens. When we refuse to gather with our fellow Christians, this is not love! By such refusal we lose touch with them and in most cases have no idea what they are going through. And if we have no idea what they are going through how can we encourage and help them? Furthermore, our absence is a powerful nonverbal discouragement to them. But our presence is a powerful nonverbal encouragement, even when no words are spoken.

9. To worship

That Christians are to worship God publicly is a Biblical given. Behind this given is the reality that we are creatures and God is the Creator. Everything we are and have is a gift from Him. Therefore God richly deserves our worship, our praise, thanks, and prayer. At the heart of New Testament/Christian worship is the gift of forgiveness that God has given us in Jesus Christ. Because God through Christ has forgiven us and given eternal life to us out of pure grace, He richly deserves our public praise and thanks through word and song.

When we worship the true God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we are doing what we were created to do. Worshiping our Creator is being in sync with who we really are. It is not by accident that the book of Revelation pictures heaven as a place were the ransomed of the Lord will worship God forevermore.

Because we were created to be worshiping beings, we will worship someone or something. Either God, our Creator, who alone deserves our worship, or someone or something else: ourselves, possessions, wealth, a cause, a career, a hobby, or another person.

10. To promote the Gospel

One last reason to attend corporate worship regularly is that by doing so we promote and defend the Gospel. Remember, the Christian Church exists, ipso facto, “to make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19). We exist to tell the good news that through Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, God has forgiven humanity and offers heaven as a gift to those who believe this. The Church’s main mission is to populate heaven not to make people better (though through the Gospel this happens, too!).

How does attending church regularly promote the Gospel? In a variety of ways. First, by supporting the local congregation through weekly offerings, you allow the Gospel to be preached to our local communities. Without the financial support of faithful members, such local mission work would cease. Can’t financial giving be done without attending? Yes, but apart from the inappropriateness of such non-attending giving, this rarely happens. In reality, only those who attend regularly contribute regularly. Second, as we hear and receive the Gospel through preaching and Sacrament, we are empowered and motivated to share the Gospel out in the world. Third, those who attend regularly give a very positive message to others about what Jesus Christ means to them. He means enough to set aside several hours a week to hear His Word and praise and thank Him. This can’t help but attract others to Christ. Fourth, when we come regularly we will from time to time invite others to hear the Gospel.

We hope you dwell in the presence of the Lord forever.

By Dr. Richard P. Bucher

I have only got 24 hours to live

Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carol agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol’s shoulder and said, “Darling please? Just one more time before I die?” She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we…?”

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen, I’m not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!”

The President was looking for a call girl

The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde,

 a redhead and a brunette. To the blonde, he said, “I am the President of the United States of America.

 How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?” The blonde replied, “For you,

Mr. President, it will cost $500.00.” To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied,

 “I will spend all the time you want for $1,000.00.” When he approached the brunette

 he asked the same question. She said, “If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,

get your pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as times are now

 and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn thing!”

A dads worst nightmare

A guy notices a gorgeous woman giving him the eye in the supermarket.”Do I know you?”

 he asks. She says, “Aren’t you the dad of one of my kids?” He thinks back to the only time

 he has ever been unfaithful and says, “Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table

back in 2006, while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that

massive cucumber up my ass?” She stares at him and says, “No, I’m your daughters teacher!”

Dear mum I didn’t drink and drive (not a joke)

I seen this and had to share it, I am against drink driving and this poem very sad

i went to a party, mom i remembered what you said,  you told me not to drink mom, so i drank sprite

instead. i felt really proud inside mom, the way you said i would. i didn’t drink and drive mom, even though

others said i should, i know i did the right thing mom. i know you’re always right. now the party’s finally

ending and everyone’s driving out of sight. as i got into my car, mama, i knew i’d get home in one piece.

because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet. i started to pull out of the driveway, but as i

pulled into the road; i guess the other car didn’t see me, mom, and hit me like a load. as i lay on the

pavement, i heard the policeman say, “the other guy’s drunk.” and now i’m the one who will pay. i’m lying

here dying, mom. i wish you’d get here soon. how could this happen to me, mom? my life just burst like a

balloon. there’s blood all around me, mom and most of it is mine. i hear the medic say, “this girl’s gonna die.”

so, mom, i just wanted to tell you, i swear i didn’t drink. it was the others, mom. they didn’t even think! he

was probably at the same party as me, only difference is he drank and i will die. why do people drink and

drive? it can ruin your life. im feeling sharp pains now, pains just like a knife. the guy who hit me is walking,

mom and i really don’t think it’s fair. i’m lying here dying and all this guy can do is stare? tell my brother not

to cry, mom. tell daddy i said be brave and when i go to heaven, i want ‘daddy’s girl’ put on my grave.

someone should have told him, not to drink and drive. if only they had told him, i’d still be alive. my breath is

getting shorter, mommy. im becoming very scared. please don’t cry for me, mama. when i needed you, you

were always there. i have one last question, ma, before i say goodbye. i didnt drink and drive, so why am i

the one to die?

Can you get me a soft drink son

Dad: Hey son, can you get me a soft drink?
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Son: Diet or regular?
Dad: Regular.
Son: Can or bottle?
Dad: Bottle.
Son: 8 oz or liter?
Dad: DAMN IT! Just get me a bottle of water!
Son: Natural or mineral?
Dad: Mineral!!
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: I’m gonna strike you with A BROOM!!
Son: Stick broom or soft broom?
Dad: YOU ANIMAL!
Son: Cow or pig?
Dad: GET OUT!
Son: Now or tomorrow?
Dad: NOW!!
Son: Will you accompany me or not?
Dad: I’m gonna kill you..
Son: Stabbed by a knife or shot by a gun?
Dad: Shot by a gun!!
Son: In the head or stomach?
Dad: YOU PEST!
Son: Cockroach or rat?
Dad: AHHHHHHHHH!

Talented Dog

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said “yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”

Definition of a loving wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could
further his stress.

Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

No one believes seniors, everyone thinks they are senile

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”

A mother worried about her teenage daughter having sex

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several

parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. “I know you

are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from

sex until you’re married. If you must have sex, then please use protection.”

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating a girl!”

Put the glass down(A Small Story With Powerful Lesson).

Read this small story; Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU
.
The Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see & asked the students “How much do you think this glass weighs?”
.
’50gms!’….. ’100gms!’ …..’125 gms’ …the students answered.
.
“I really don’t know unless I weigh it,” said the professor, “but, my question is:

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?”…. .
‘Nothing’ …..the students said.
.
‘Okay,

what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?’ the professor asked.
‘Your arm would begin to ache’ said one of the student
.
“You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm could go numb; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis & have to go to hospital for sure!”
….. Ventured another student & all the students laughed
.
“Very good.
But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?” Asked the professor.
‘No’…. Was the answer.
“Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?”
.
The students were puzzled.
“What should I do now to come out of pain?” asked professor again.
“Put the glass down!” said one of the students
.
“Exactly!” said the professor.
Life’s problems are something like this.
.
Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK.
Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache.
.
Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.
.
It’s important to think of the challenges or problems in your life, But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to ‘PUT THEM DOWN’ at the end of every day before you go to sleep…
.
That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!
.
Moral
So, when you start your day today, Remember friend to ‘PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

How happy i was to see my mrs walk down the aisle

I’ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my Mrs. walking down the aisle towards me.

 My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age

but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said,

 “Get that fucking trolley over here, they’re doing three cases of Beer for the price of two”

A man and wife 25th anniversary (Rude)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that

magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of

you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

Who enjoyed sex more

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about

 who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,”

 the woman countered. “Think about this…when your ear itches and you put your

finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

LOL One of my all time favorite irish jokes:

A customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?” The assistant asks

“Why are you Irish?” Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but

 let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have

asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked

for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?” “Probably not” says

 the assistant. “So why ask me if I’m Irish?” So the assistant says

“Because your in Halfords you thick cunt!”

Very smart reply from one little boy

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar

Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts “im the hardest fucker in here”

The barman replies “of course you are mate, your a piece of tarmac”!.

Then in walks a piece of red tarmac and says “ill fight any fooker in here,who wants a beating”?

black tarmac stays silent!

Barman says to black tarmac “why didnt u say anythin, i thought u wanted a fight”?

black tarmac replies “i do,but im not messin round with him hes a fuckin cyclepath”

Tickle Me Elmo Joke

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
…
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Faulty Cuckoo Clock

At about 3AM, John was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo

three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckoo nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was

midnight. He was very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked

why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckoo midnight, it cuckoo three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckoo four

more times, farted, cuckoo three times, cleared its throat, cuckoo two more times and then started giggling.”

Uk Arctic Blizzard joke

A Government Warning Said That Anyone Travelling In Icy Conditions

 Should Take A Shovel, Blankets, Sleeping Bag, Extra Clothing

(Including a Scarf Hat &Gloves), 24 Hour Supply Of Food & Drink,

De-Icer, Rock Salt, Torch (With Spare Batteries), Safety Triangle,

Tow Rope, Petrol Can, 1st Aid Kit, Jump Leads . .

I Looked like an idiot the Bus This Morning.

Two Men Must Read

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by th! e window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

A Love Story which was not completed

A Boy proposed his Girl-friend for Marriage…

Girl: Tell me..; who do you love most in this world..?
Boy: You, of course!
Girl: what am I to you?
Boy: The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said
“You are missing part of my heart”.

She smiled, and she accepted his proposal.
After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while. However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems, their life became difficult.

All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to drift away deir dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became make their relation more worst.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house.
At the opposite side of the road, she shouted,
”You don’t love me…!!!”

The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, said,
“May be, it was a mistake for us to be together..!!!”

You were never the missing part of my ____!!!”
Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long, while She regretted what he said but words spoken cant be taken back. With tears in her eyes, she went home to pack her things and Before leaving the house, she left a note for him..;

“If I’m really not the missing part of your love, let me go and search for some one who is..…
It is less painful this way… let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners…!!”

Five years went by….
He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly. She had left the country and was living her dreams.
He use to regret on what he did but never tried to bring her back. In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met, At the airport, He was going away on a business trip. He saw her, She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them.

She smiled at him gently.

Boy: How are you..?
Girl: I’m fine. How about you.., Have you found your heart’s missing part…?
Boy: No.
Girl: I’ll be flying to New York in the next flight.
Boy: I’ll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back, You know my number, Nothing has changed.
With a smile, she turned around and waved good-bye.
“Good-bye . . .”
Same evening he heard of a plane crash which was headed to New York. He tried to know about her and found that, She died.
Midnight… Once again, he lit his cigarette… And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He finally knew, she was that missing part that he had carelessly broken…!!!

“Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury.

We take out our 99% frustrations at our loved ones, And even though we know that we ought to”think twice and act wisely”, we actually don’t do it. Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control.”
Try not to hurt your loved once, because a moment of anger could be a lifetime punishment.

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl:

A teacher asked a little girl: What your DAD do?

Girl replied: He works in a chocolate factory and brings lots of chocolate for me..

In the evening he works in an ice-cream parlor and I eat my favorite flavor…

He also works in a toys shop and brings me soft and cuddly teddy sometime.

He is also a teacher because he helps me in my homework.

He is very strong & hard worker..

He works from morning to evening and never get tired.

And

When he is back to home, he is always ready to play with me.

Note:
Kids don’t value what we do to earn the money. They give value to what we do to earn their love…

The truth is everyone going to hurt you

      The truth is everyone going to hurt you. You just got to find the            
                               ones worth suffering for.



Everyone says that loves hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuse these things with love but reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.



Something to remember we even think the Lord is hurting us sometimes because we want it our way and we want it in our time. It just does not work that way all things in God’s times and not your wants but your needs Love The Lord with all your mind, heart, and soul. ~ Ronald Gean

Two female prostitute parrots and two male religious parrots joke

A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Love

When I feel the love for you is emptied in my heart...
It grows once again as new...
Just like a new leaf sprouting after the withered
one...
I should have let you go in the starting itself...
Now after loving you this much, I can’t let you go...It’s too late now,
I am aged enough to die soon…
But even after all these years, if I can’t let you go
then how would I been able to let you go in the
beginning?
There is so much of love resting in my heart... I can’t hide it from anyone and also I can’t show it to
another...
Sitting lonely under this tree and without anyone to
care,
I just yearn for a simple hug...
This is the same thing I do every day… I just come here and sit under this lonely tree...
Like feathers of dead crow withering against wind,
My life withers day by day against your love...
Having lived most of my life in your longing,
it’s hard for me to accept that
These all are because I loved the one, who don’t want to love me at all...
Having spent my lonely days just with your happy
memories,
Sometimes I do regret that I should not have waited
for you,
When you went away too far without caring about me...
I shouldn’t have known in the first that
When you didn’t care about me in the beginning
Then you wouldn’t be caring about me in the ending
also…
If I had known, I would have let you go… And in the beginning itself, I would have run away
from your memory
if I had done this, I would now be having a beautiful
family...

Trucker has the worst day of his life

A Truck driver spots a hitch-hiker on the side of the road and decides to pick him up.

The hitch-hiker ins’t in the truck with him for 5 minutes till he pulls a gun on the trucker and forces him to pull over on the deserted highway.

The hitch-hiker then walks the trucker a mile into the woods then stops, gun pointed at the trucker and says, “Hand over your wallet, keys, and cell phone.”

Having no choice the Trucker complies. Then the hitch-hiker tells the trucker, “now strip naked.” Seeing no other the choice… the Trucker strips completely naked. Next the hitch-hiker proceeds to tie the Truckers feet together then ties his hands to his ankles. The hitch-hiker then leaves the trucker, walks back to the Truck and drives off.

It takes the truck driver about 3 hours to hop his way back to the main highway. A big-rig driver driving by spots the trucker and pulls over. “Jesus!” says the big-rig driver, “what the hell happened to you?”

“It was a hitch-hiker,” says the trucker. “He pulled a gun on me, walked me a mile into the woods took my phone, my wallet, clothes and stole my truck! Do you think you could help me out?”

The big-rig driver unzips his pants and says, “Boy… this just isn’t your day…”

Must read and share

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son….I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks.”

Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

*”This is called Self Appraisal”*
Give your best and the world comes to you !!!

A surgeon swaps a mans balls for onions (Adult joke)

A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidentally cuts off the mans balls.

 He quickly inserts two onions and sews his scrotum back up. One month later the man

 goes back for a check up.

“Any problems?” asks the surgeon.

“A few.” explains the man.

“I cry when I piss, my wife gets heartburn after a blow job and I get a fucking

 hard-on when I see a cheese sandwich!

A tragic but motivating story of a girl...

I was almost raped on my wedding night.

I am sure it may not be this way for all weddings out there. I am not even saying that this is the case for many weddings. But yes, if you are getting into this, you should always know that this is a possibility that you cannot ignore, and which no one would ever tell you.

I hail from a typical middle class background, from a not-so-big town in South India, and after I turned 22, everyone around me was worried that now is the time for me to get married otherwise I would never get married/ bring shame to my family/ marry after my younger siblings get married/ run off with someone (yes, they said all these things in front of me!) so, yes, I needed to be married off to someone, who was not my boyfriend.
Now, there's a culture in South India, if a family doesn't have a lot of money - girls are married to their cousins/ mother's brother, where the age difference is not too much (say the mother was the eldest daughter, and brother was the youngest, with a huge age gap). This way, a girl stays 'within the family', and also there is no question of dowry, since they are family.

Similar to this, my wedding was arranged right after I graduated from college, to my 'mama' (mother's brother) who was a few years older than me. My case was complicated because I had a boyfriend already, and my family didn't approve of him when I told them about him (he was not South Indian, which was a mortal sin in my parents' eyes). I tried to protest, but using the usual emotional blackmail arguments, my father forced me into the marriage - he was very sick at the time, and the onus was on me to 'fulfill his wishes'. (He's very much fine now, but I am inclined to think he'll fall sick again when it's my younger sister's turn to get married. Indian parents force you to think this stuff about themselves).

I was forced to break off all contact with my boyfriend (mobile, internet snatched away, I don't think I could even have sent a letter, it was so bad) and forced to dive head-first into the wedding arrangements.

The day of the wedding came, and after a really embarrassing lecture from my mother, about my 'marital duties' since I was the eldest daughter and no friends had been allowed to my wedding (my parents believed they would whisk me away from the wedding if they came to know), I got ready for the 'wedding night'. I was already feeling completely shitty about the whole thing, having been cut off from every person that I wanted to be with, being married to my 'mama' in secrecy, and not even knowing whether to think of him as a husband or my mama, and just wanted to sleep hoping a new day would bring a new start.

I waited for my husband to come and when he entered, we exchanged a few awkward sentences about the whole day being tiresome. I then told him "I'm feeling very tired, I will change and go to sleep now" but I was not prepared for what happened next. He suddenly kissed me, and I was a little taken aback, but I just pulled away slowly, and told him that I was not in the mood, and reiterated that I was very tired. He ignored me completely, and kissed me again, this time with more force, and when I tried to push him away, he slapped me. This was followed by the most horrible experience of my life, the details of which shake me to this day, and I somehow escaped by locking myself in the bathroom.
I knew I had nobody to turn to - he was my mother's brother, and my father was sick. Even if these were not the circumstances, I doubt anyone would have supported me.

I stayed in this abusive marriage for a few months, which was the darkest period of my life. Thankfully, I was not foolish, and I had a job to support myself, unlike a lot of other women out there, suffering daily. I ran away, before it was too late. Now, nobody in my family knows where I am, and what happened. I am sure they must say the worst things about me, and mention my name with disgust and shame. But this is one decision that I made with careful deliberation and I will not let myself regret it. I am considerably happier now, very much single, with no intention of getting married again.

I am happy to have put this behind me, but want to extend my support for all those women who are in the same situation as I was. One experience is enough to scar you for life.

please give your feedback & share this story... 

Psychiatry hospital – Clever thinking

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and ask what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.’

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’

Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*. I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex. I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex he said. "I would like to have one too!". Then I said, "she is a dog!!". He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand. I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.

When my wife and went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said. "I hoped to have sex on TV!!". He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour. I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "me too!!"

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. So lonely." The doctor said, "look mister you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. So get yourself a dog."

It could have been worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

 No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad,

so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home

 last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

A list of different types of poo

Ghost Poo- The kind where you feel the poo come out, but there is no poo in the toilet.

Clean Poo- The kind where you poo it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poo- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poo- This happens when you’re done poo and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poo some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poo- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poo- The kind of poo that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poo- It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poo- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poo-Poo- The kind where you want to poo, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poo- That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you’d swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poo- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poo- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poo- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poo- The kind of poo that doesen’t smell.

The Suprise Poo- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poo!

The Dangling Poo (aka the cling on)- This poo refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooing. You just pray that a clench or two will cut it loose.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "SOMEBODY U LOVE" & "SOMEBODY U LIKE"

In front of the person u love,your heart beats faster .
But in front of the person u like, u get happy.

In front of the person u love,winter seems like spring.
But in front of the person you like,winter is just beautiful winter.

If u look into the eyes of the one u love, u blush .
But if u look into the eyes of the one u like, u smile.

In front of the person u love, u can't say everything on your mind .
But in front of the person u like, u can.

In front of the person u love, u tend to get shy.
But in front of the person u like, u can show your own self.

U can't look straight into the eyes of the 1 u love.
But u can always smile into the eyes of the 1 u like.

When the one u love is crying, u cry with them.
But when the one you like is crying, u end up comforting.

So if u stop liking a person u used to like, all u need to do is cover your ears.

But If u try to close your eyes,love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart..

Highway Patrol joke

A fellow in his 40's buys a new Mercedes and decides to test it out on the free way.

He is running about 80MPH with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair.

 All of a sudden he notices a highway patrol cruiser flashing his red lights directly behind his car.

 In an instant, he decides that his new Mercedes can easily outrun the patrol car so

 he jumps the speed up to 100, then 115 and finally 125. The patrol car is right

behind him and the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over.

 The patrol man walks up to him and asks for his drivers license.

He then looks at the driver and says “this is my ticket for my shift and I really hate writing

 up a bunch of paperwork.” “If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before”

 I will let you off. The driver thinks for a second and says:”officer,

two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop and trying to give her back to me.

The patrolman let him go….

Old man vs Small boy

One day a small boy was sitting on a park bench eating one chocolate

bar after another when an old man walked over to him, shaking his

 head, and said “Son, eating all that sugar is not good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat!”

The small boy looked over at the elderly gentleman and said,

“My grandpa lived to be 107 years old!”

“From eating six chocolate bars at a time?” asked the old man.

“No,” replied the boy, “from minding his own business”

Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile and my car broke down so I

walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband sleeping with the babysitter!!!

I am devastated can you help?

Dear Sally… A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor don’t let your fuel drop too low in the tank

hope this helps.

Cycle of deeds.

There was once a king who was so cruel and unjust that his subjects yearned for his death or dethronement. However, one day he surprised them all by announcing that he had decided to turn over a new leaf.

“No more cruelty, no more injustice,” he promised, and he was as good as his word. He became known as the ‘Gentle Monarch’. Months after his transformation one of his ministers plucked up enough courage to ask him what had brought about his change of heart.

And the king answered, “As I was galloping through my forests I caught sight of a fox being chased by a hound. The fox escaped into his hole but not before the hound had bitten into its leg and lamed it for life. Later I rode into a village and saw the same hound there. It was barking at a man. Even as I watched, the man picked up a huge stone and flung it at the dog, breaking its leg. The man had not gone far when he was kicked by a horse. His knee was shattered and he fell to the ground, disabled for life. The horse began to run but it fell into a hole and broke its leg. Reflecting on all that had happened, I thought: ‘Evil begets evil. If I continue in my evil ways, I will surely be overtaken by evil’. So I decided to change”.

The minister went away convinced that the time was ripe to overthrow the king and seize the throne. Immersed in thought, he did not see the steps in front of him and fell, breaking his neck

Moral: Cycle of Deeds always gives us back what we give to others. If we do good to others, our good will happen, If we do bad to others, our turn will also come.