911

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? 

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

 Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency? 

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

 Dispatcher: Excuse me?

 Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

 Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

 Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

 911 Caller: Yeah, I am having trouble breathing. I am all out of breath. Darn.... I think I'm going to pass out. 

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I am at a pay phone. North and Foster.

 Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

 Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? 

Caller: Running from the Police.

 Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?

 Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it

. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

 Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

 Dispatcher: Yes, mam nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

 Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I am not stupid.

 Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?

 Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

 Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!